DUI Round Up.

Jevon Kearse
Carmelo Anthony
Dwanye Jarrett
Young Jeezy

When asked for a response, my Mom said “Young G-easy!?! Now that name is just plain cool!” No Mom, you’re cool.

Bitten and Bound is awesome.

I don’t know if you read Bitten and Bound, but here’s a reason you should; a compilation of pictures of drunken celebrities. Watch them fall over, get carried around by friends and even more retarded antics…like that time that Sharon Stone got blitzed and became a scientologist.

Larry King’s wife loves the downers.

Apparently marrying Larry King wasn’t enough and Shawn Southwick King just needed to feel more numb and disoriented. She’s entering rehab for an addiction to painkillers that stemmed from chronic migraines, which, I believe, were caused by listening to Larry King talk constantly. If you haven’t caught my subtle hints yet, I think Larry King is fucking obnoxious, and he probably smells like an old couch wrapped in plastic. True story; my old roommate once saw Larry King at a bagel shop, and tried to give him a high five, and Larry had no idea what was going on. DENIED!

Holy shit this sucks…RIP George Carlin

Image from Wikipedia

If I ever found one of my own jokes to be half as funny as George Carlin’s terrible shit, I would probably ruin my pants in a few different ways. Carlin’s balls were made from some sort of metal, far stronger than steel, but more generous and caring than lead. Check out some of his views on drugs here.

Jamie Lee Curtis isn’t just lonely…she’s vicodin lonely.

So Jamie Lee Curtis was into the pain killers for a while, and not only that, she would regularly steal them from her sister. Curtis wrote an apology letter (which eventually helped her to get clean) to her sister for stealing the pills, but still hasn’t sent it. Well, I hope her sister isn’t pissed when she finds out in this month’s issue of More Magazine. Jamie Lee Curtis looks like all of my friend’s moms did in the 80’s, and I think that’s depressing enough to down a few vicodins, but apparently it was because she was so, incredibly, lonely. In the letter, Curtis says:

“I am lonely. I take them at night at home to ease the pain. I was so afraid to tell you.”

This is a woman with millions of dollars, and the ability to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Oh, you’re lonely? Why not try to get involved in some charity? Or, wait, better yet…GET A FUCKING DOG.

Of course he’s drunk; his girlfriend’s pregnant.

Celebslam has this hilarious picture of a completely blitzed Matthew McConaughy in some country somewhere. What am I Magellan? This is a lot better than the last time I heard about McConaughy, when he was arrested for smoking a ton of weed and banging on bongos too loud or something. I mean, all he’s doing here is conditioning this woman to the life she picked…you get pregged up by some drunk star, and what, you expect him to care about your unborn baby or your feelings? Bahahahahahah.

I wonder what she’ll do.

Amy Winehouse, also known as ‘Celebrity Speedball’s Bread and Butter’, was told to either quit drugs or die. Apparently binging on crack, ecstasy, prescription drugs and alcohol for a few years could possibly lead to death. Here’s the thing about Amy Winehouse; she’s not like Janis Joplin, who didn’t fully understand the dangers of drug use, you see, Amy Winehouse is a fucking oblivious moron. When given this ultimatum, Winehouse responded:

“Can’t I just stay alive and keep doing drugs?”

The doctors quickly remembered who they were dealing with, gave her a lollipop and tied her to the hospital bed.

Whatever you say sweetheart.

Picture courtesy of: http://www.celebrity-gossip.net

Apparently this is Danielle Lloyd. I know, I know, I had no idea either. She’s got it all figured out and she’s letting everyone know. Lloyd is quoted as saying:

“I think if you can stop drugs you can stop crime.” 

Because being in a movie about crime and drug use gives you an advanced degree in criminology and a deep understanding of social theory. Unfortunately, she has gigantic tits, so I’m going to have to agree with her. That’s just how it works for me, if someone wants me to believe something and they have gigantic knockers, I’m totally in. I once tried to get a pig accepted into a vocational school, because Jennifer Connelly’s tits told me it was a good idea in a dream.

Aww, I wish it wasn’t make believe.

Picture from Splash News

I really wish that Robin Williams was wasted right now, causing widespread terror and running over celebrities in a golf cart all around L.A. Although, according to Splash News, he’s just filming a scene for a new movie. He deserves a drink, it’s hot as balls outside, he’s covered in all that hair and, being Robin Williams, he’s probably sprinting around in cirlces screaming with a lisp about fashion.

God, this is a stretch.

It seems like Gwyneth Paltrow has a thing for men with drug habits. It’s been reported that Paltrow is having no trouble adopting her role of obsessed girlfriend for the movie ‘Two Lovers’, because she used to be obsessed with a dude who liked drugs. She’s quoted as saying:

“When I was younger I fell in love with someone. He wasn’t married, but he was in to drugs. So he wasn’t around when I needed him because of that.”

So what she’s saying here, is that this dude would rather be doing rails or shooting up heroin in a bathroom somewhere, instead of being near Gwyneth Paltrow. It seems like this gentleman and I have something in common. Oh, but there’s more, Paltrow’s husband Chris Martin has been discussing his fondness for sleeping pills. Apparently, Martin likes to take a pill, then groggly write his disco songs about man love, or whatever. I don’t listen to Coldplay, it wasn’t made in the 80’s and I haven’t seen one double necked guitar in any of their pictures.

So, the point here is; if you’re into tall, gangly white chicks who are famous, all you need to do is pick up an awkward semi-drug habit, bang away on a piano, and moan about random shit and you’re in like flint. Tell them I sent you.